The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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