just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Please don't give away my fajitas
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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