I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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