he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize