I wish I could teleport
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
