I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
