Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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