If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
