She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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