I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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