So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
