Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
