It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
