I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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