I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
