I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
