the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
