I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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