All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize