Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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