Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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