Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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