one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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