From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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