you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
its liver damage thursday
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
