My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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