haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
