You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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