I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
