you turned your livingroom into a bong?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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