My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
