Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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