she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's never too late to be topless.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
