Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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