Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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