Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
