Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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