You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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