At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
