im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
