I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
