this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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