Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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