You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
