Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
