Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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