the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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