Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
