This is not my ceiling
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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