Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
