Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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