Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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