So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
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