If i come over, it means nothing
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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