She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i love accidental penises.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
