Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
