my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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