It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
