I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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