my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
