I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
