I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
how does that bad decision feel?
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