I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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