On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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